funny jokes? no swearing?

Verena Koop: yo mama so stupid she loks herself in a motor cycle yo mama so pooor she chases the garbage truck with a shopping list yo mama so poor she starves in a grociery store yo mama so stupid she steals free breadyo mama so fat she jumped for joy and got stuckyo mama so poor she cant aford to pay attencion yo mama so ppoor when some one rings the door bell she sais DING and when someone askes wear the bathroom is she sais pick a corneryo mama so fat that she irons her pants on the drivewayyo mama so ugly when she was born her mom said what a treasure and the dad said yea lets go burry it.thats it hope you enjoyed lol :) (10 points please)...Show more

Toney Flaten: Only three doorsAn airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning, as th! e pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”...Show more

Emile Midgley: Swearing Jokes

Mel Crapo: I am not a kissup but i love the name phay. I thought it was spelled fe though..oh well. So There was a man who was dating this woman but she didn't realize that they were on a date. She told the man: Hi, can you show me a place great for couples? The man was happy to think that she was willing to go out with him. So for he spent 2 grueling weeks looking for the perfect place to dine, relax and sleep in. H! e then finally told the woman the name of the place. The woman! said: Thanks so much! Me and my boyfriend were having a hard time searching for places on the internet! (WA-WA-WA....)...Show more

Caterina Yeargan: A man had his car stuck in the mud, and a nearby farmer came bye. Realizing that the car wouldn't move, the farmer went and got a horse. The horse went against the car and the farmer shouted, "Pull Sugar pull!" The horse didn't move. Then he shouted, "Pull Weston Pull!" The horse didn't move. Then he shouted, "Pull Bucky pull!" and the horse easily got the car out.When the man asked why the farmer called the horse the wrong name 3 times, the farmer replied, "Bucky is blind and if he knew he was the only one pulling, he wouldnt have even tried."...Show more

Jade Ohno: wow a lots of really long jokes there heres mine:::>>A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you appro! ach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine." The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - de! af or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he! 's BLIND!"...Show more

Newton Fedorko: this one you have to say out loud lol=Pknock knock,whos there?ya,ya who?.com {YAHOO.COM}how do you catch a poler bear?ANSWER:you cut a hole in the ice then you put peas around the hole when the poler bear comes down to take a pea you kick him in the ICE HOLE!!!!LOLwhats pink and fluffy?pink fluffwhats BLUE and fluffy?pink fluff holding its breath..lolEMBARRASSING  MEDICAL EXAMS                                                                                                                                                                                   1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.Suddenly I n! oticed that there were several cabs --and I was in the wrong one.  Dr. Mark MacDonald,  San Francisco   2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.    Dr. Richard Byrnes,  Seattle , WA   3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' Dr. Susan Steinberg  4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had  him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I would! n't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!  Now, the in! structions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.   Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,  Norfolk , VA  5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered. Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.' Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'     Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,  Detroit , MI   7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicit! is, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn'   Submitted by RN no name  AND FINALLY!!!.. ......... .....   8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry.. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.    Dr. wouldn't submit his nameULTIMATE FEMALE JOKEIt has long been con! tended that there are male jokes andthere are female jokes, and there a! re unisex jokes. Here isa joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you inthe hopes that women will love it and men will pass it alongto a woman who will love it.A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after workcocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall,handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was sostriking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stareand walked directly toward her. (As all men will)Before she could offer her apologies for staring sorudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll doanything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, nomatter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition.'Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to doin just three words.'The woman considered his proposition for a moment, andthen slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which shepress...Show more

Kennet! h Blacker: A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“I find this joke Hilarious! :DGo to this site.... http://www.tallrite.com/LightRelief/worldsbestjoke...It has apparently "The Worlds Best Jokes". :P You be the jugde....Show more

Estrella Northway: Hahaha funny XD

Rosio Pasculli: haha ok this bar had a magic mirror and if u lied u'd get sucked into it. a redhead said i think im the most beautiful girl in the world, she got sucked ina brunette said i think im the most beautiful girl in ! the word, she got sucked ina blonde said i think and got sucked inlol! ! i think this is so funnyok another one:a blonde kept going outside, checkin her mailbox, seeing nothing is in it, getting really mad and goin back inside, she did this about 10 times then finally the guy next door that was mowing his lawn said to the blonde, "what's wrong?" she replied, "the darn computer keeps saying i have mail!"haha thats funny too!...Show more